dear june, i'm wondering if i should just stop trying

"at this point it just feels silly"

Dear June,

“when i moved to california i met this guy who i had this sorta situationship with- it was tumultuous, and after a couple months he broke it off after saying some nasty stuff to me. we didn’t talk for a long time, but our friends crossed over and eventually we became close again. it was a lovely friendship, but we both ended up moving away from california. we stayed in touch for a bit, but after a few months he stopped responding. i made a lot of efforts to reach out, thinking he was probably struggling with the move, but i inevitably got nervous it was something i did. i asked what the silence was about and he finally responded, saying it wasn’t my fault, and he missed our friendship, and he was indeed struggling with the move. he said he would try to keep in touch better, but still to no avail. im wondering if i should just stop trying, regardless of my concern for him? i’ve tried (one sided) to stay in touch and offer support, and at this point it just feels silly”

This writer gave consent for their message to be shared and responded to publicly.

Dear friend,

I want to start by applauding your effort to reach back out to understand what the silence was about. So many of us can too easily sit and let our brains accuse us of being the problem — let the separation grow and the belief that it was all our fault fester.

It’s harder than it looks to ask a question that you know you might not like the answer to, but to know you need it for yourself anyway. Whether with someone you know well or someone you are less confident in, this is never easy.

The central point being, you did this for yourself. Sure, you care about this person and their well-being, too, and that is an altruistic part of your dilemma, but ultimately, you are only responsible for and in control of yourself. If you want this person in your orbit because they are a net positive in your life, I think you have every right to pursue them until they set the explicit boundaries and communication they need for themselves at this time.

But instead of showing up with questions and requests of them, at a time when they might not be capable of responding adequately, or at all, I would encourage you to just pop in from time to time with a short message of support and care. It is always nice to know that people care about you with no strings attached.

Can you send him a 1x/mo message that you’re thinking about him and hope he’s well?

Or maybe you just send him a photo of something you saw that could make him smile from an inside joke you share.

Nothing to ask of him, nothing you need from him, just a small reminder that you will be there on the other side of what he is going through. This doesn’t cost you much to do, and if he never responds or comes back around, then you have your answer, but you know you stayed true to yourself and lent someone a kindness in the process.

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I’ll tell you a story (a little advance on a future part of my friendship serial). There was a guy, B, who became part of our group solo, no girlfriend in a group of established couples. R, my husband, found him and worked hard to bring him into the group. B became friends with L, too — another male in the group — and would come to events and gatherings when he was free.

Then, he quite literally fell off the grid. More details on that to come in my story, but R couldn’t let it go. He just went poof, never to be seen or heard from again. R would text him every now and then, trying to prompt him out of silence to join him for an online gaming session.

Finally, B texts R back and says, “I’ve left San Diego, and honestly, I have never felt so undervalued as a person as my life with this group of people made me feel. I didn’t owe anyone an explanation, and don’t want to offer one. I’m going through it with my mental health, so I’m not sure if I’ll want to game again. I need a clean break.”

Mind you, this guy was a peripheral part of this friend group for maybe 3 months. They really were that awful.

R responds, saying he knows exactly what B means and that we have been struggling in the group as well. He’ll give him space, but if B ever wants to be friends virtually, he was here.

A few months go by, and R tells me he tried again, not about gaming this time, instead he just sent B a message that he was thinking about him. He hadn’t told anyone in the group that he and B had been in contact and never would.

No answer.

We’re probably 6-8 months out from moving out of SD (don’t know it yet), and R gives it one more shot, not wanting to be a pain in the ass to someone who is trying to move on. He sends one last text saying he’ll back off, but he’s not going anywhere if B ever wants a friend in him. He hopes B is doing better; he’s always here to talk.

B responds.

They have been gaming together from across the country, now 1-2x a month, for the last two years.

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I don’t know your story or your relationship with this person enough to say for sure. Of course, I don’t encourage anyone who has treated you unkindly in the past to have a built-in place in your life, but we’ve all been there with people, and I do believe in grace and growth.

It may feel silly to keep reaching out, maybe it is. That definition is up to you. But if something keeps calling you back, it is never silly to let people know you love them.

Your care is valid. Your concern is valid. Your hesitancy is valid.

Think about what you would want and need in this situation. Then think about what others in your life would want and need. It looks different for everyone, but we all want to know that we have people on our side and in our corner. And when we’re struggling to stay afloat, it’s even nicer to know these people will be here when we come around again.

That being said, don’t cross your own boundaries. Look inward first at where they are for you. What can you get out of this friendship, the person, this waiting? Is your support unconditional, or does it need more to sustain it? Check in with yourself before you reach out to make sure it’s what is right for you, not just for him.

Some relationships weather all storms, and some drift apart across the sea.

Neither is more virtuous or right.

What matters is how you let yourself feel, process, and paddle on.

anyway, here it is…

-June

I invite you to stay and be seen here.

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unspoken thoughts, unfinished feelings, & everything in between

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