dear june, i love my work but it's the co-workers i don't like

"Guilty by association"

Dear June,

“Hi June! I love my work but it's the co-workers I don't like. At least some of them, as I have 2 close friends in the team but we're introverts and we work remotely so we don't really bond. I'm an independent kind of worker where I will exhaust all my resources before I ask for help. I have always been on my own lane, minding my own business but when I entered the team, there were factions already. I don't like office drama or any kind of drama but since my friend was a previous co-worker from another firm, people have been thinking I'm on that friend's side. Guilty by association. I don't even know the whole story. I can see the volley of rude interactions and petty callouts. My friend even pushed me to retaliate but I didn't. I told her I will never give them the satisfaction of showing a reaction and I have a lot on my plate. I have just been silent. Now, they have been checking my work constantly. I know because their image icons would show on my sheets and I have screenshots as a proof which I sent to my Manager. She didn't do anything when I told her about it. It's harmless I know, but it's distracting. Ugh. I just want to vent.”

This writer gave consent for their message to be shared and responded to publicly.

Dear friend,

Ah, yes. I have been here. Work is a weird thing, not because it necessarily has to be so, but unfortunately, where you have two people in a room (virtual or otherwise), you have politics.

“Whenever two people meet, there are really six people present. There is each man as he sees himself, each man as the other person sees him, and each man as he really is.” — William James

Male denominators of this quote aside (*eye roll*), there is a lot of truth here. The workplace is not so different than a primative society of early homo sapiens trying to figure out not only how to survive but how to fit in.

You must assert your value, but not so much that you become a threat.

You must be amicable, but not so much that you are taken advantage of.

You must provide, but not so much that you damage the egos of your peers.

You must conform, but not so much that you get passed over or left behind.

You must find your role, and never deviate from it.

Complicated ask back then, but now?

With generations upon generations of trauma built into our DNA. A work-life balance that is anything but balanced. Access to the vast and unending opinions and edicts of the internet that regularly contradict themselves. A cut-throat ladder with limited rungs ahead of you available for climbing. And an unreasonably outdated cost of living that makes your job feel like the ticket to continued living…

Add in the weird dynamic of not seeing most of your co-workers face-to-face, and you are working with a rather delicate and fraught ecosystem.

You show up on day 1, just praying you don’t step on any landmines that prove deadly.

With all of this to keep in mind from 9-5 each day, I am right there with you on the choice to abstain from additional drama. And, I’m glad to hear you at least have 2 semi-close coworkers with whom you feel a certain camaraderie. I’ve come to think this is vital in particularly messy work environments with strong personalities and even stronger personal insecurities in charge. You need people who can validate your experience, even if it’s just a 1x message landing in your Slack like “are you thinking what I’m thinking here?” and a few not-so-cryptic emojis that let you know they too see the drama for what it is.

It is all too easy to get sucked right into that drama, too. It’s distracting; it’s sometimes satisfying; it’s sometimes a triggering reminder of times in your life when you were treated similarly, and that inner child starts tugging on well-worn strings deep within.

React.

Explain yourself again.

Hide.

Run.

Whatever your past experiences have taught you, they’re valid, and you’re safe here. And with that, I caution you to do none of the things.

Stay in your lane.

Keep your head down.

Stick to the work at hand.

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Boring and unsatisfying, totally. And maybe I’m inserting too much of myself and my work experiences into your submission, but I think the wise words of my therapist ring true for us all:

“A job is a means to an end, a paycheck to support your living. Nothing more, nothing less.” - go, Dr. K, go.

Your friend wanted you to retaliate, and let me acknowledge her, too, by agreeing that you do have a voice and a right to be heard. You have standards and boundaries that must be met for a long-term, mutually beneficial relationship to continue in this workplace and with these coworkers.

If you feel at any point like you are compromising too much of yourself or putting up with hateful, spiteful, disrespectful, and out-of-line behavior, here’s what I would do…

• Keep a record of the situation, what was said, who said it, and the date. This is just for you, but it’s a list of credible, documented proof that may eventually come in handy. Keep it simple, factual, and organized.

• Keep your emotions offline. Tell your friends, your partner, your parents, your pets… anyone who is supportive of you. Feel your feelings. Journal them, write them in furious text messages to your non-work support system after particularly annoying meetings. But whatever you do, release them outside of work. You don’t deserve to carry negativity around that doesn’t belong to you or your life.

• Look past the situation. 90% of what people do and say is about themselves — their worries, their insecurities, their biases, their agenda. It’s easy to get caught up in specific things that were said or one sticky situation that got out of hand. Learn to see these moments as opportunities, as reference points for who these people actually are.

  If you learn them, you can rise far above their level simply by showing up more authentically as yourself. This will teach them that they cannot use or control you. They might try harder at first, double down on their behavior. Keep rising above. I promise, it takes time, but it works.

• Silence is your superpower. I actually wrote about this in context to some of my own professional anxieties and problematic co-workers. When in doubt, say nothing and temper your reaction. Stick only to what needs to be said to further the work. Without your reaction, what is the point of your behavior? Without something you said to fuel their fire, they end up feeling dumb. I have employed this to great effect recently at my own job.

  I had a boss tell me she felt like the office bully and implied that this was somehow my responsibility to correct. Well, she is a bully. She felt like one because, on some level, she was aware of her behavior. In response, I just stopped reacting when she spoke or messaged me. Just acknowledged her and said “I’ll consider” or something equally passive. No fuel. No fire.

It sounds like you are doing a lot of these things, go you! I am interpreting a certain question in the lack of feedback or satisfaction from doing so, though. I assure you that questioning and the feelings behind it are real and well worth contemplating. You don’t deserve to be absorbed into a situation you never asked for and have no true stake in. You’re just trying to do your job, and as an added bonus, a job you like!

I wish I had more to offer to ease the day-to-day discomfort you must be experiencing, but I can tell you that I see the suffering you’re enduring at the hands of a truly unfair situation. Work constitutes a big portion of our days and lives; it’s important to consider your value and what you can put up with, and in return, what that affords you. This balance will inevitably ebb and flow, but don’t doubt that you are autonomous and intelligent enough to acknowledge your options and exercise them with discernment. You are already doing this and doing it well.

Your vent is always welcome here, friend. You are not alone in your frustration. You are the only judge who matters in assessing the harm here.

Know your worth is far beyond the petty words of an insecure majority.

Know you have power within & no one can take it from you.

Know you are always right if you are being true to yourself.

Your life exists beyond the confines of your computer screen and those who loom inside of it. You are loved and valued and seen and cared for. You never need to earn that. You never need to prove that. It’s innate to your being.

And when in doubt, kill ‘em with kindness. ;-)

anyway, here it is…

-June

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