an open letter to my soulmate
on our 10 year anniversary...
June 7th, 2016
We’d known each other for a few years already, but I think this was the first moment we really saw one another. You standing there in your kitchen finding just the right 60s R&B tune for the moment, and me sitting on the little sofa waiting for your sister, my best friend, to come back while relentlessly mocking your antiquated song choices.
It always felt easy; we always felt easy. I didn’t have that with many people in my life; every thought turned spoken word was a choice and a hurdle, even amongst my longest friends. Time and trauma had hardened me so thoroughly that even this day felt like one I resented my own presence and participation in. But this moment, with you, felt easy. You made me laugh in spite of myself. You made me feel light, as I’ve told you a million times before, like the sun finally shone on places within that had long since resigned to shadow.
Your presence warmed me.
You actually saw me.
When I left the room to go get ready for the prom, the familiar cold returned, but my mind still lingered on you.
And there you stayed as we met for our first date on the beach a week later. You in bright red swim trunks and me, shy and forever uncomfortable in my body — that is, until you held me in your arms a few hours later, half-submerged in the chilly water. Or until I kissed you unprompted as we lay there in the sand, your body protecting mine from the wind. You were talking, but I was watching your lips, wondering all the while what they would taste like on mine.
Sweet as honey and soft as roses. From that moment on, I was yours, and you mine.
June 18th, 2016
It didn’t take us long to become an us. And an us we’ve stayed. I have been telling you for years, as promised, that I kissed you first. I remember it still, I always will.
We were kids. I just 18 and you, 20. Years meant so little to us then. We measured time in weeks and months, if not days and hours. All of my time was filled thinking of you.
To be fair, it often still is.
The phases of us unfold like heady chapters of a yet-to-be-written memoir. Whether 733 miles (the distance between our schools), 2,630 miles (the distance between us when I left for California), .42 of a mile (the distance between our San Diego apartments), 10 feet (the furthest we could stand apart in our first apartment), or 1 foot (the space of the dogs between us in bed every night), the tethers of our love have kept us whole.
10 years.
The coming-of-age years at that.
And I have never been alone in all this time, because wherever I go, there you are. And wherever you go, I’m there too.
So it has always been, and so it shall always be. We have lived so many lives, been so many versions of ourselves, and every day I wake up to a choice so easy to make, I do it now without thought — you. Always & forever, you.
For our last 10 years… a thank you.
I found you early. As if the universe saw us and recognized all we had endured alone until that fateful afternoon in your kitchen. It offered us a moment, a window into a life we each had held on for without ever really knowing that it, too, was waiting for us. I am forever grateful that we didn’t miss it or each other.
Life with you is joy.
Silly competition over board games I’m destined to lose forever. And the absolute lack of satisfaction you offer me if and when I ever do find a way to beat you.
That feeling we share, watching the babies play together. Juni’s loud grumbles as she takes on her brother, who can barely deign to get off the couch and engage with her antics.
Date nights with delicious meals, holding hands across the table, and lingering until we are full on food, each other, and the richness of the moment.
Countless worlds forged together through an embarrassing number of hours spent in the land of Stardew Valley.
Endless hobbies and hats tried on by us both, each supported and cared for with tender recognition of an attempt worth making in our mutual quest to discover who we are and what we love.
Sunflowers planted when I’m away. Harry Potter viewings when I’m sad. Laughing endlessly at It’s Always Sunny. Spontaneously painted walls. Well-timed forehead kisses. Road trips with endless singing along, each of us taking turns at being the loudest when the songs we’re best at come on. Home-cooked meals made with love and a little chaos. Little weekday errands run together for no reason other than enjoying each other’s company. Quiet togetherness at the end of every day. Your tolerance of me never knowing what I want to eat. My tolerance of you never knowing what you want to do. Finding favorite spots and going a million times until suddenly we never go again. Becoming quite the packing aficionados after who knows how many moves together. Throwing the ball for our boy. Tossing socks to our girl. Epic hide-and-seek games that leave everyone out of breath and unable to find me ;). Taking care of each other seamlessly at social gatherings we wish we weren’t attending. Exploring little shops in whatever quaint towns we find ourselves in. My knowing when it’s time to feed you. You knowing when I’m overdue to feed myself. Restaurant selfies. Pictures of the best meals you’ve made us recently. Pokémon obsessions and the 15+ badly thrown bowls I made in pottery lining the shelves of your office. The way your hands feel on my body. The way you look at me and tell me I’m beautiful without uttering a word. Your cute, round butt. Your soft blue eyes. Small spats because we’re taking things too seriously, or maybe because we just care that much. Our mutual admiration for a day well spent.
The safety of being your little spoon. The love of watching Theo nonstop lick your face. Listening to you sing in the shower to your new hyperfixation song. Seeing the gears spin in your head as you work on a joke. The laugh you only give the dogs. The singular dimple when you smile. The constellation of freckles on your back. The way you act when you’re feeling sexy. The insistence on carrying me piggyback when we’re walking, and you’re feeling happy. The way you get quiet when I sing a song I like, and I know you’re listening more to me than the music. The way you always read my mind, let me tell you you’re wrong, and then me immediately proving you right. The way I let you overthink something and I listen to your worries, and the way you let me tell you I told you so when it all turns out okay. Long hair. Short hair. And everything in between. Weekend househunters over my attempt at making us breakfast, or your perfect challah french toast. The way you danced with baby Juni. The stupid grin you get on your face when you’re in your element, and you know it. The older-brother style ragging that none of my friends are immune from. The little cross you make on your chest when you’re refreshing your work or a plane is landing — despite you being Jewish. The way you let Christmas throw up all over our lives for two months every year and insist we get the biggest and best tree we can find.
Giving me your bread. Getting mad when I show up for everyone, and no one shows up for me. Reading my writing and hyping me up every time. Finding Waldo before bed or helping me find the words I would never think of in the NYT Spelling Bee. Letting me sleep in when all you want to do is wake me up. Making me dance with you whenever live music is playing. Saving hundreds of Reels curated just for me and watching them together until we’re breathless from laughter. 6 years working together in the same house and still finding that we missed each other at the end of the day. Knowing I influenced your music taste, and you mine. That gummy bear morphing meme from long ago. Ranting about family members or the little inside jokes that forever stay only between us. Doing our handshake anytime, anywhere to signal we’re on the same wavelength. The perfect way you proposed. Getting sweaty together. The way you call me your wife.
How I never doubt for one second that you’ll choose me, show up for me, defend me, and see me.
How we never stop being better, together.
& every single moment in between…
My love, you shine.
On my darkest days, you shine for me. You sit with me, we feel together. For this, I know I will never be alone.
My love, you sing.
Every word is a note, every sentence a melody, and every day my song, our song, comes from your lips and echoes in the chambers of my heart. For this, I know my life will always be lived.
My love, you soar.
What a gift it is to watch you fly. Higher and higher it seems with each passing year. I hope you always know that should you falter, I’m always here to catch you.
For the next 10 years… a wish.
That I can add to the list above in a million new ways. That we expand our definitions of possible. That we continue to be the very embodiment of love for one another, no matter what we face, where we go, or who we become next.
I wish for you to set yourself free. To trust that every thought you have isn’t an edict to avoid peril. For you to see and believe that this life is beautiful and rich because it is ours, and no one can ever take that away from us. I want you to shine on yourself the way you have so long shone on me. I wish for peace and the promise of a better tomorrow. I wish to add wrinkles to our skin and art to our bodies and presence to our souls, such that we might become the living embodiment of all that we love in and about one another and this life we share. I wish for adventures, big and small, that make us tingle and remind us just how great it feels to be alive together. I want uncompromisable joy to be the predominant color of the thread that binds us. May that joy give us strength and hope and a shared home to shelter us from any storm. May that joy reveal to us what else of this life we have yet to explore. May it ignite our curiosity and fuel our fire to never stop growing. May it lead us wherever we are meant to go and protect us from energy that is not ours to carry.
I wish to live next to our friends and look out our back windows at the sun sparkling on the water. I wish for long days spent outside with the sun on our skin and our bodies close enough to amplify the heat. I wish for lazy mornings spent in bed, admiring one another. I wish for laughter found in unexpected places, connection in unexpected people, and purpose in unexpected moments. I wish for the courage to face down our fears. Awareness to admit when we’re wrong. Compassion when it’s all there is left to give.
I wish for hard times to challenge what we know and reinforce what we believe.
I wish for luck to leave its mark.
I wish for hope to feed us and gratitude to ground us.
I wish to hold your hand every day for the rest of my life.
Just to know that you’re here with me and I with you, such that not even death could dare part us.
I love you more & more & most.
anyway, here it is…
-June
I invite you to stay and be seen here.
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art by the incomparable Yilov, sourced from Pinterest.
