Dear June,

“I just read your latest article, and you mentioned having had a long distance boyfriend in college. I’m at the precipice of figuring out if that’s something I should do. He’s been one of my best friends basically my entire life. Long story short, we finally both like each other, but we’re also about to graduate high school. On top of that, I’m headed to the east coast and he’s staying in the west. We are not in a relationship, but we’re going to figure it out very very soon (because at this point, we are very clearly more than friends). Part of me thinks - he treats me so nice, I feel safe, and this could be something real. Should distance and timing matter if you really care about each other? The other half of me is being less idealistic, mostly because I know myself. I get really (anxiously) attached, and I know I’d prioritize calls, communication and seeing him over all else. I don’t know if I want my college experience-especially because this is something I’ve been dreaming of and working towards-to be defined by a remote, brand new relationship. The worst part is I know he would literally do anything for me and to make me feel okay. Is it insane to not know if that’s enough? yikes okay sorry for the essay. Hopefully you have some pearls of wisdom: should I ruin the friendship? lots of love 💕💕”

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Dear friend,

This one has me smiling wryly at my screen because I am quite soundly of two very different minds about this particular topic, having gone through it, and truly through it, myself.

That being said, this is not an advice column or an instructive/predictive space. I don’t know you or the boy in question here, so I won’t pretend that there is any overlap for us other than the quiet longing to have it all and to have it all be okay.

I am so happy for you that your life features a person with whom you feel sound and safe. That is a gift and a joy, and you deserve every bit of what this relationship — romantic or otherwise — offers you.

I am also proud of you for embarking on a new and unique college experience, and I take it that you're doing it in a place you didn't grow up in. This takes immense courage. You’re very cool for this, and for even asking yourself the hard questions to honor that commitment.

At this point, and I hope you don’t take this as an ignorant statement, but you have very little perspective. It’s a right of passage! Part of the wonder of the college experience is not what you learn in class or whatever you decide to major in, that you may very likely forego the minute you graduate — it’s the trials of independence. Managing your own schedule, feeding yourself, dealing with roommates, trying on new friends, maybe getting a little too drunk sometimes, or failing a final. It’s the feeling halfway through that you know yourself better now than you did at 18 and want to completely change your path, change your name, etc. The beauty of this time is that you get to try it all. You will quickly find a lot of what isn’t for you, and along the way, you will pick up pieces and people who are for you. It’s weird. It’s hard. But even I, as someone also with no perspective (who thought I had quite a bit more than my peers), can look back appreciatively on everything that it both was and wasn’t.

There is no right way or wrong way to go about this period of your life.

I dive bombed through it, tumultuous long-distance relationship in tow, and graduated the day I was eligible to.

My freshman roommate, 10 years later, is still in school. She changed her major maybe 16 times, did a few years of law school, and is now about to graduate from PA school.

My sister? Dropped out after freshman year and three years later decided this was her time to try again one class at a time.

My best friend from college? Pre-med & dedicated to the library? Now she wants to quit her job and buy a farm.

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What is this all to say? That it will be okay. There are no bad choices when you’re trying on life. (Except for maybe doing hard drugs or being unkind.)

For most of college. I did not believe it would be okay, which is to say that it’s natural to wonder and worry in the face of the unknown. I didn’t enter my college years with a stellar teenage experience, but I did enter them with my first boyfriend. 3 months in.

Two years older than me, though he was, he had less perspective than I did, and he did not handle the transition from summer love to a long-distance commitment well. We broke up probably 1 month into my freshman year, and I was devastated. As you read in that piece, I handled it how I handled it. No need for judgment, though I felt a lot of it back then as I was living through it.

My world crumbled around me. I couldn’t stop thinking about him. Eventually, I set myself a New Year’s resolution to delete him on Find My Friends and move the fuck on, but I dreaded the days leading to the new year like I was headed off the edge of a cliff. Then, on holiday break back home, I saw him. We came face to face in his kitchen (and that’s on dating your best friend’s older brother), having not seen or spoken to each other since early October.

We got back together 2 days later.

Come the next fall, his senior year and my sophomore year, he went to study abroad in London. I hung photos of us in my dorm room, but I brought backup photos with no trace of him… just in case. He became deeply depressed abroad, and I started to literally go to class with one airpod in just to be with him and make sure he wasn’t spiraling alone.

Do I remember classes? No.

Do I remember what my friends were doing during this time? No.

Was I immersed in the college experience? Definitely not.

My friends would call me out for it, too. Hours spent alone in my room facetimeing R. Not doing my homework, not socializing, not moving, just living in that liminal space that only we could understand.

Most of my college experience amounts to a narrative along these lines. But to say I regret it would be a complicated question. Why? Because I literally didn’t know any better. I had no perspective; I was creating it for myself.

You have to go through things, whatever they are, to learn who you are and how you feel about living.

And hey, I married R. Undoubtably a niche outcome, and it was hard fought, but I wouldn’t trade the sacrifices I made along the way for anything now that I have seen where they took me.

That might be your answer: to live and to learn. To embrace that every choice and every action has a consequence, you can’t always see what that is at the moment of deciding.

Life is one leap of faith after another, but if you honor yourself, your feelings, and your boundaries, it will work out.

Don’t be afraid to act on the knowledge you have now, just know in your heart that whatever happens, it will all be okay — if not in the way you imagined.

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Dear June,

“Hi June! I love my work but it's the co-workers I don't like. At least some of them, as I have 2 close friends in the team but we're introverts and we work remotely so we don't really bond. I'm an independent kind of worker where I will exhaust all my resources before I ask for help. I have always been on my own lane, minding my own business but when I entered the team, there were factions already. I don't like office drama or any kind of drama but since my friend was a previous co-worker from another firm, people have been thinking I'm on that friend's side. Guilty by association. I don't even know the whole story. I can see the volley of rude interactions and petty callouts. My friend even pushed me to retaliate but I didn't. I told her I will never give them the satisfaction of showing a reaction and I have a lot on my plate. I have just been silent. Now, they have been checking my work constantly. I know because their image icons would show on my sheets and I have screenshots as a proof which I sent to my Manager. She didn't do anything when I told her about it. It's harmless I know, but it's distracting. Ugh. I just want to vent.”

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Dear friend,

Ah, yes. I have been here. Work is a weird thing, not because it necessarily has to be so, but unfortunately, where you have two people in a room (virtual or otherwise), you have politics.

“Whenever two people meet, there are really six people present. There is each man as he sees himself, each man as the other person sees him, and each man as he really is.” — William James

Male denominators of this quote aside (*eye roll*), there is a lot of truth here. The workplace is not so different than a primative society of early homo sapiens trying to figure out not only how to survive but how to fit in.

You must assert your value, but not so much that you become a threat.

You must be amicable, but not so much that you are taken advantage of.

You must provide, but not so much that you damage the egos of your peers.

You must conform, but not so much that you get passed over or left behind.

You must find your role, and never deviate from it.

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Complicated ask back then, but now?

With generations upon generations of trauma built into our DNA. A work-life balance that is anything but balanced. Access to the vast and unending opinions and edicts of the internet that regularly contradict themselves. A cut-throat ladder with limited rungs ahead of you available for climbing. And an unreasonably outdated cost of living that makes your job feel like the ticket to continued living…

Add in the weird dynamic of not seeing most of your co-workers face-to-face, and you are working with a rather delicate and fraught ecosystem.

You show up on day 1, just praying you don’t step on any landmines that prove deadly.

With all of this to keep in mind from 9-5 each day, I am right there with you on the choice to abstain from additional drama. And, I’m glad to hear you at least have 2 semi-close coworkers with whom you feel a certain camaraderie. I’ve come to think this is vital in particularly messy work environments with strong personalities and even stronger personal insecurities in charge. You need people who can validate your experience, even if it’s just a 1x message landing in your Slack like “are you thinking what I’m thinking here?” and a few not-so-cryptic emojis that let you know they too see the drama for what it is.

It is all too easy to get sucked right into that drama, too. It’s distracting; it’s sometimes satisfying; it’s sometimes a triggering reminder of times in your life when you were treated similarly, and that inner child starts tugging on well-worn strings deep within.

React.

Explain yourself again.

Hide.

Run.

Whatever your past experiences have taught you, they’re valid, and you’re safe here. And with that, I caution you to do none of the things.

Stay in your lane.

Keep your head down.

Stick to the work at hand.

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Boring and unsatisfying, totally. And maybe I’m inserting too much of myself and my work experiences into your submission, but I think the wise words of my therapist ring true for us all:

“A job is a means to an end, a paycheck to support your living. Nothing more, nothing less.” - go, Dr. K, go.

Your friend wanted you to retaliate, and let me acknowledge her, too, by agreeing that you do have a voice and a right to be heard. You have standards and boundaries that must be met for a long-term, mutually beneficial relationship to continue in this workplace and with these coworkers.

If you feel at any point like you are compromising too much of yourself or putting up with hateful, spiteful, disrespectful, and out-of-line behavior, here’s what I would do…

• Keep a record of the situation, what was said, who said it, and the date. This is just for you, but it’s a list of credible, documented proof that may eventually come in handy. Keep it simple, factual, and organized.

• Keep your emotions offline. Tell your friends, your partner, your parents, your pets… anyone who is supportive of you. Feel your feelings. Journal them, write them in furious text messages to your non-work support system after particularly annoying meetings. But whatever you do, release them outside of work. You don’t deserve to carry negativity around that doesn’t belong to you or your life.

• Look past the situation. 90% of what people do and say is about themselves — their worries, their insecurities, their biases, their agenda. It’s easy to get caught up in specific things that were said or one sticky situation that got out of hand. Learn to see these moments as opportunities, as reference points for who these people actually are.

  If you learn them, you can rise far above their level simply by showing up more authentically as yourself. This will teach them that they cannot use or control you. They might try harder at first, double down on their behavior. Keep rising above. I promise, it takes time, but it works.

• Silence is your superpower. I actually wrote about this in context to some of my own professional anxieties and problematic co-workers. When in doubt, say nothing and temper your reaction. Stick only to what needs to be said to further the work. Without your reaction, what is the point of your behavior? Without something you said to fuel their fire, they end up feeling dumb. I have employed this to great effect recently at my own job.

  I had a boss tell me she felt like the office bully and implied that this was somehow my responsibility to correct. Well, she is a bully. She felt like one because, on some level, she was aware of her behavior. In response, I just stopped reacting when she spoke or messaged me. Just acknowledged her and said “I’ll consider” or something equally passive. No fuel. No fire.

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It sounds like you are doing a lot of these things, go you! I am interpreting a certain question in the lack of feedback or satisfaction from doing so, though. I assure you that questioning and the feelings behind it are real and well worth contemplating. You don’t deserve to be absorbed into a situation you never asked for and have no true stake in. You’re just trying to do your job, and as an added bonus, a job you like!

I wish I had more to offer to ease the day-to-day discomfort you must be experiencing, but I can tell you that I see the suffering you’re enduring at the hands of a truly unfair situation. Work constitutes a big portion of our days and lives; it’s important to consider your value and what you can put up with, and in return, what that affords you. This balance will inevitably ebb and flow, but don’t doubt that you are autonomous and intelligent enough to acknowledge your options and exercise them with discernment. You are already doing this and doing it well.

Your vent is always welcome here, friend. You are not alone in your frustration. You are the only judge who matters in assessing the harm here.

Know your worth is far beyond the petty words of an insecure majority.

Know you have power within & no one can take it from you.

Know you are always right if you are being true to yourself.

Your life exists beyond the confines of your computer screen and those who loom inside of it. You are loved and valued and seen and cared for. You never need to earn that. You never need to prove that. It’s innate to your being.

And when in doubt, kill ‘em with kindness. ;-)

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-June

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“I’m so scared for the future. I have no idea if I’m as strong or intelligent as I think I am. When i was a child the word ‘gifted’ was how people described me, but I can’t see that, not anymore at least. Even if I was gifted once, it is no longer a part of my life or identity. I’m lost, on the verge of adulthood and it feels like a countdown to some form of hell I’m unknowingly about to enter. I used to think I could write, that I could create something beautiful out of the pain I was, am, in; the same way you do. But the older I grow the less hope I have that I was right. I’m disappointingly average. I want to prove to that 11 year old girl who had so many dreams that they’ll come true one day, yet i don’t know if they can. I don’t know if I’m just like every other person who believes they’re intellectually superior only to be embarrassingly disproven in their future. I don’t think I’m superior, but I thought I knew things. And being on the cusp of 18 has taught me I don’t. I know that it’s a part of life, but the thought of being a failure terrifies me, but the fear of being average is what keeps me wide awake at night and distracted throughout the day. I know that I will be. Even if I’m encouraged to pursue my dreams I know how my story will end. And I’m terrified. I want to do things. I want to change things. I wish I could.”

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Dear friend,

In 9th grade, I had a math teacher who used to interrupt lessons on algebra and the fundamentals of PEMDAS to tell us about “the wall.”

“One day, you will all hit your wall. The earlier you hit it, the better. So many people hit it too late, but when you get there, you’ll know, and I encourage you all to lean in. It’s worth it to come out on the other side.”

Most of my peers had no idea what she was on about or what this had to do with next week’s test. Do we have to calculate the wall's surface area? Find its height when only given the height of a nearby tree?

But I, who hit my wall at the ripe age of 13, thought I knew what she meant.

We were a school of gifted and privileged students. Our biggest concern, even in middle school, was getting into a good college and onto the path towards presidency or inventing the next iPhone. One kid in my school invested in Tesla in 7th grade and made his first million dollars before we graduated high school. Ya.

Teachers and parents alike chose to care more about our academic CVs than our morals. We were encouraged to be brilliant, but by one narrow definition that would contribute most to the school's statistics and give parents something to feel good about when investing $40k a year into their child’s education year after year.

This teacher, however, saw through it. The wall she described was an inevitable point she saw us all reaching. Where success, measured by arbitrary achievement, starts to lose its meaning. When we would enter the world and be met with the cold realization that we were not all destined to be the next Bill Gates.

It was the shattering of an illusion, the point at which we would discover we were bred for something we might not actually want. But who had time to want while maintaining straight As and fighting for a lacrosse scholarship that might finally make us worthy of our parents' affection?

I figured it out early because I was pushed into new perspectives well before any of my peers would dip their toes into the frigid waters of real life. Nearly dying from my eating disorder was certainly eye-opening as I spent many a hospital stay with a few fellow pre-teens, but more so, a smattering of adults from various walks of life.

I realized that the pressure cooker I existed in was a lie. A force-fed debauchery that was inevitably setting 99.8% of us up for what we would learn to perceive as sure failure.

Despite my awakening, I still had to follow the path. To graduate with all of the necessary accolades, to finish college and get that oh-so-prized degree (that I have never done anything with, btw), and onto a series of jobs that have never fit right but sound good enough on paper.

No presidency. No billion-dollar inventions. And even more poignantly, no personality and a mid-life crisis at 25 when disillusionment finally caved in on my rose-colored reality. The trail ended, and the “gifts” I was once prized for possessing stood as nothing more than participation trophies in a game I never signed up for.

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I see you, my friend. I’ve stood somewhere close to where you now stand. You’re looking up at your wall, and it’s terrifying as fuck.

Please hear me when I say: this is not your embarrassment.

You did not ask for the first 18 years of your existence to be amounted to nothing more than your community’s misguided hope that they could produce a prodigy.

That is and always will be their embarrassment, because they’ve been through it too. They have the wisdom and years to know better, to do better by their children than what was done for them. And yet, here you are. A byproduct of their chosen ignorance.

Of course, the wall looks daunting when you have no way of knowing what is on the other side, when your only choice is to put faith in something you’ve never seen, heard, or tasted for yourself. No proof, just a blind climb predicated on your own curiosity and will to see the life that awaits you on the other side.

Many people stay on this side of the wall. Go through the motions of a successful life and delude themselves into believing this to be an exercise of their own free will. They learn to ignore the wall until it quietly fades into the background of their contained reality.

There is nothing wrong with this choice; it’s the majority decision for a reason. But as someone who has scaled her wall, I can assure you, they are missing out.

Because what’s on the other side of that wall is a beautiful thing. Unprotected, sure, there will always be some measure of discomfort in knowing that you’ve left what you were trained for behind. But in that unexplored haven, you make your own way, chart your own course, find fellow wanderers to navigate with, and ultimately, you find yourself. Your unfiltered, imperfect, wild-hearted, and free self.

There is nothing average about taking the path less traveled.

There is nothing disappointing about how long it takes you to scale the wall.

There is no failure in charting a course with no destination other than knowing where you stand now is not where you’re meant to stay.

The average is nothing more than a median point between two extremes. If one end is desolate idiocy and the other is intellectual superiority, I think you will find that most of the world's 8 billion people fall at or near average.

But what a limiting scale this is to boil one’s being into.

You are not a sum of your intellectual capacity and achievements.

You are love. You are joy. You are a writer. You are an artist. You are a free thinker. You are human. You contain the capacity for so much more than you know now.

These are your gifts. They ebb and flow like the tide, and are always uniquely yours.

They are not measurable on any scale.

You don’t lack the ability to be great; you just lack the perspective to see just how great you’re going to be. Time and experience will grant this to you; lean in.

Adulthood is not easy, but every hardship is a worthy sacrifice for what you learn about yourself in return.

It’s terrifying to look out at that abyss. To leave structure and safety behind is not for the faint of heart or the mediocre. It’s for the warriors, the dreamers, the believers, and those who know in their souls that their true selves are out there waiting to be crafted by trial and error and love and heartbreak and mistakes and wins and every little moment in between.

You are at the beginning. What a beautiful place to be. Cherish it.

Feel the fear; it deserves to be felt. Start here.

Mourn what you know that you are leaving behind; it deserves to be memorialized.

Summon your strength and choose to trust that you have all you need to take that first step forward.

Live boldly in your authenticity, and allow yourself to change, grow, and learn, as experience will teach you much if you are patient enough to listen to its wisdom.

Stay true to yourself, and you will end up exactly where you are meant to be. And I promise, there will be nothing average about it because you, my friend, are one-of-a-kind.

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-June

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“when i moved to california i met this guy who i had this sorta situationship with- it was tumultuous, and after a couple months he broke it off after saying some nasty stuff to me. we didn’t talk for a long time, but our friends crossed over and eventually we became close again. it was a lovely friendship, but we both ended up moving away from california. we stayed in touch for a bit, but after a few months he stopped responding. i made a lot of efforts to reach out, thinking he was probably struggling with the move, but i inevitably got nervous it was something i did. i asked what the silence was about and he finally responded, saying it wasn’t my fault, and he missed our friendship, and he was indeed struggling with the move. he said he would try to keep in touch better, but still to no avail. im wondering if i should just stop trying, regardless of my concern for him? i’ve tried (one sided) to stay in touch and offer support, and at this point it just feels silly”

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Dear friend,

I want to start by applauding your effort to reach back out to understand what the silence was about. So many of us can too easily sit and let our brains accuse us of being the problem — let the separation grow and the belief that it was all our fault fester.

It’s harder than it looks to ask a question that you know you might not like the answer to, but to know you need it for yourself anyway. Whether with someone you know well or someone you are less confident in, this is never easy.

The central point being, you did this for yourself. Sure, you care about this person and their well-being, too, and that is an altruistic part of your dilemma, but ultimately, you are only responsible for and in control of yourself. If you want this person in your orbit because they are a net positive in your life, I think you have every right to pursue them until they set the explicit boundaries and communication they need for themselves at this time.

But instead of showing up with questions and requests of them, at a time when they might not be capable of responding adequately, or at all, I would encourage you to just pop in from time to time with a short message of support and care. It is always nice to know that people care about you with no strings attached.

Can you send him a 1x/mo message that you’re thinking about him and hope he’s well?

Or maybe you just send him a photo of something you saw that could make him smile from an inside joke you share.

Nothing to ask of him, nothing you need from him, just a small reminder that you will be there on the other side of what he is going through. This doesn’t cost you much to do, and if he never responds or comes back around, then you have your answer, but you know you stayed true to yourself and lent someone a kindness in the process.

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I’ll tell you a story (a little advance on a future part of my friendship serial). There was a guy, B, who became part of our group solo, no girlfriend in a group of established couples. R, my husband, found him and worked hard to bring him into the group. B became friends with L, too — another male in the group — and would come to events and gatherings when he was free.

Then, he quite literally fell off the grid. More details on that to come in my story, but R couldn’t let it go. He just went poof, never to be seen or heard from again. R would text him every now and then, trying to prompt him out of silence to join him for an online gaming session.

Finally, B texts R back and says, “I’ve left San Diego, and honestly, I have never felt so undervalued as a person as my life with this group of people made me feel. I didn’t owe anyone an explanation, and don’t want to offer one. I’m going through it with my mental health, so I’m not sure if I’ll want to game again. I need a clean break.”

Mind you, this guy was a peripheral part of this friend group for maybe 3 months. They really were that awful.

R responds, saying he knows exactly what B means and that we have been struggling in the group as well. He’ll give him space, but if B ever wants to be friends virtually, he was here.

A few months go by, and R tells me he tried again, not about gaming this time, instead he just sent B a message that he was thinking about him. He hadn’t told anyone in the group that he and B had been in contact and never would.

No answer.

We’re probably 6-8 months out from moving out of SD (don’t know it yet), and R gives it one more shot, not wanting to be a pain in the ass to someone who is trying to move on. He sends one last text saying he’ll back off, but he’s not going anywhere if B ever wants a friend in him. He hopes B is doing better; he’s always here to talk.

B responds.

They have been gaming together from across the country, now 1-2x a month, for the last two years.

I don’t know your story or your relationship with this person enough to say for sure. Of course, I don’t encourage anyone who has treated you unkindly in the past to have a built-in place in your life, but we’ve all been there with people, and I do believe in grace and growth.

It may feel silly to keep reaching out, maybe it is. That definition is up to you. But if something keeps calling you back, it is never silly to let people know you love them.

Your care is valid. Your concern is valid. Your hesitancy is valid.

Think about what you would want and need in this situation. Then think about what others in your life would want and need. It looks different for everyone, but we all want to know that we have people on our side and in our corner. And when we’re struggling to stay afloat, it’s even nicer to know these people will be here when we come around again.

That being said, don’t cross your own boundaries. Look inward first at where they are for you. What can you get out of this friendship, the person, this waiting? Is your support unconditional, or does it need more to sustain it? Check in with yourself before you reach out to make sure it’s what is right for you, not just for him.

Some relationships weather all storms, and some drift apart across the sea.

Neither is more virtuous or right.

What matters is how you let yourself feel, process, and paddle on.

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-June

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Content warning: Eating disorder mention.

Dear June,

“I’ve hated my body for my entire life. I had an eating disorder when I was a teenager. I don’t anymore. I know this sounds bad but I often think: I’m too lazy to have one now. I have the same thoughts but don’t have the same level of effort to restrict, which in hindsight, is a good thing. I spend the entirety of summer indoors, every year, as I cannot bare the thought of wearing clothes that don’t fully cover me. I’m constantly at war with myself and I’ve come to accept that I’ll always feel this way.”

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Dear friend,

I want you to know I’ve been sitting with this one. It hits home for me as I, too, spent the majority of my life thus far hating my body. Looking in every mirror or reflective surface and immediately spotting 10 flaws that would make me want to crawl out of my own skin. This is an experience I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. It’s brutal and relentless. In a world obsessed with the unattainable body, it doesn’t help when your brain turns that obsession inward and uses it to inflict mental pain on your physical being.

It’s important, I think, to note that if laziness is what keeps you from acting on the pull towards restriction, we’ll take it. Your reasoning for not acting on sickness or addiction is irrelevant if it means you’re avoiding the thing itself and ultimately protecting yourself.

I might even wonder if this “laziness” isn’t exactly as you’ve labeled it.

It is exhausting to feel the way you describe feeling. It is a daily struggle to exist in a body that you perceive to be so abhorrent. I’m not going to sit here and tell you to be grateful for all that your body does for you or any of the other clichés that, while possessing merit in their own right, don’t actually make you feel better or see your reflection any differently.

I imagine for you, as it was and can still be at time for me, that facing the day knowing the mental battle rages on leaves you fatigued from the moment your feet hit the floor.

Let alone that walk into the bathroom to address the aftermath of 6-10 hours in bed.

Then to the closet where you figure out what of your wardrobe can provide any solace for what the day holds.

Then onto whatever your day holds, where no doubt you will encounter the bitter taste of comparison around every corner, behind every screen, and even maybe on the street.

Countless routine body checks and the subsequent shame wave that follows.

Meal-time chaos where, though you are eating, you’re considering the pros and cons of every bite. Recommittment and fuck-it energies duking it out as you chew and swallow, chew and swallow.

Each season brings a host of new challenges to navigate, but none quite like the defrost into summer.

Ads of skinny, beautiful bikini-bound babes swirling.

Conflicting social media posts are consuming feeds with mixed messages of self-love, the next celeb to fall victim to Ozempic, a greens powder that will change the game, mindful eating, and the pros and cons of HIIT vs low-impact exercising for weight loss.

Suffocating and unrelenting, and yet, maybe this tip or that fad will do the trick this time. Who can blame us for holding out hope after all this time… not when the alternative feels destitute?

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My friend, of course, you are tired. You are carrying a weight that is not yours to be carrying, and your nervous system is terrified at how unfamiliar it would be to put even a fraction of it down. I see you. I sit with you. And I offer you my shoulder with which to offload some of that weight.

Bear with me as I offer a statement that I myself believed to be SUCH bullshit as I crumbled underneath the weight of this that I carried, too, for so many years.

There is no solution but to find peace within yourself.

I hope I don’t lose you here… younger versions of me would have been lost here, so I won’t hold it against you if you read this and say fuck-off. I only hope you come back here when you’re ready again.

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There is a reason you hate your body. It didn’t happen all at once; it likely formed via a series of experiences before you were aware, all confirming the same message to you: your body is wrong.

And with no defense, no language, and no understanding of how utterly impossible that statement actually is, your subconscious adopted it as truth and built a survival mechanism, your eating disorder, around it.

In case no one has ever told you otherwise, I am glad it did this for you. It was a cry for help in the face of a belief that was rooted within you but that you wouldn’t, couldn’t accept. It was — as much as I know it didn’t feel like it at the time, and likely doesn’t to this day — an act of rebellion.

You are strong.

I didn’t believe this for myself until very recently, 13 years post the eating disorder that nearly took my life. 13 years of quietly hating myself and my body as I idly performed that which was expected of me in recovery and my entrance into adulthood. Of feeling wrong and somehow too much but never enough, still, despite having “recovered.” 13 years of perfectionism that robbed me of a personal identity to the point where I felt like I had very little to live for.

What exactly had I recovered from then? The risk of heart failure, osteoarthritis, hair loss…. Certainly all worthy accomplishments, but not any that made my brain feel the kind of validation and acceptance it so desperately needed for survival.

You can still hate yourself without taking it out on your body physically.

And therein lies where I invite you to get curious with me.

You don’t actually lack the ideal body. Whether you believe it or not, you have an ideal body because you are alive on this earth.

So, what, then, does your soul need?

What did your inner child require that was never offered to her?

This is a very hard thing to answer, which is why it is an exploration of curiosity and has no singular right answer.

Think about patterns in your life… with food, with your body, with other people, with the little things you quietly struggle with and the loud things that attract you most.

Is there a theme?

What feels good to you? Meaning, what catches your eye and your heart and your soul in a way that you can’t help but move closer to.

What feels bad to you? Where are you hiding and what are you hiding from? What do you avoid like the plague, such that mere tangential reminders send your heart racing and skin crawling?

Is there a pattern?

Spend time here. Let it take time. It took many years to get here, didn’t it? Don’t give yourself anything less than the time you personally require to undo and relearn.

If the choice is to get curious about who you are and what you deserve emotionally or hate yourself, I invite you to not choose to live in hate any further.

Non-judgemental (to the best of your ability, this grows with time) curiosity. That’s how you begin.

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This is not random. You are fundamentally meant to be here just as you are.

There cannot, nor is there any possibility that your body — the one that carries your soul, your spirit, your mind, your pain, your memories, generations of trauma and sacrifice, grief and heartache, potential and capacity, joy and love — could ever be worthy of hate. Nor can the you that exists within and in spite of the physical.

You may carry false narratives about yourself. We all do.

You likely believe untrue things learned in your youth. We all do.

You bear the scars of wounds long healed and the leech the blood of wounds yet unhealed. We all do.

You hope and live on just the same. We all do.

You are energy.

You are light.

You are love.

When you finally see yourself for all that you are and all that you possess. When you claim the power of your birthright as bound by those odds, 1 in 10 to the 45,000th, you will heal. You can make peace with your existence for better and for, occasionally, worse. You can, and you are capable of loving what your body may never represent to you properly, your self.

It is a journey. Maybe one we set off on and never come to the end of.

There are highlights and lowlights. Good days and bad.

You can carry both. You are strong enough to feel love and the echo of that misplaced hatred. You can be angry and compassionate. You can be strong and weak.

You can be.

In all that you are.

It starts with a simple step. Instead of believing the narrative and cycle of hate that drains color from your everyday, I offer you the option to quietly, and perhaps even meekly at first, challenge the validity of those beliefs with questions of curiosity and wonder.

What if my body is not the problem?

What else is happening in this moment?

What can I learn from the sensations present in my body right now?

How can I do one small but mighty act to honor my body instead of re-confirming to the voice in my head that it is right?

That voice is a long-learned, well-reinforced survival mechanism. Find love and curiosity in your heart for this, too. What has this protected you from? What does it do for you? Why do you need it? Do you need it?

And I wish for you that someday, as you wander down this unfamiliar path, you find yourself wondering what it might look like to finally let it go.

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anyway, here it is…

-June

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“I’m in my twenties and have no friends. I live with my partner and see my family often, but lack female friendships. I used to have many, but the pandemic turned me into a recluse, and I found it impossible to adjust back to normal life, even all these years later.”

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Dear friend,

I think I speak for so many when I tell you that you are far from alone in this experience. I have even written about how my inner recluse, too, enjoyed the solidarity and the minimal expectations for existing as a social creature in this world that the pandemic time had to offer.

And, without judgment (to whatever degree is available to you), I invite you to consider what this time did for you as well.

The loss of friendships can come from many things, hopefully most of which require no blame. It can be a simple parting of the ways from a friendship formed by circumstance, and when circumstances change, the camaraderie and necessity that formed your connection change, too.

Or perhaps these friendships were formed by earlier versions of you. A different you who defined friendship and its role in your being as something that may no longer align with the you who went through and now lives on following the pandemic.

Curiosity is crucial here. Curiosity invites possibility and insight without the need for protection by judgment and criticism.

I am curious about you…

What role have friends played in your life?

What kind of friend do you long to be?

What makes you feel safe and seen in relationships?

Can you picture it? Can you picture her, your first new friend?

Can you then poke holes in her because we must also give grace to the fallibility of our fellow humans? No one is as perfect in reality as they are in our mind’s eye.

What flaws do your future female friends possess that you hope to love them for?

What might you do together? Become together?

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I might invite you to start with the question:

What are you making the lack of female friendships and your experience of a post-pandemic reality mean about you, your life, your capabilities, and your worth today?

The meanings we apply to our current situations are potent and instructive. It becomes very difficult to separate the feelings they evoke from the fears they protect us from. Like looking through distorted glass and not pausing to wonder why everything looks wrong.

There are no concrete answers to who we are and what we need. The truth that lingers in the contemplation of these questions ebbs and flows with time and our shifting capacity to simply be in the present with all that we like and dislike in our lives and of ourselves.

And beyond the question-and-answer schema, these queries may look like what they do when written out above; they are, at their core, an offering, a mirror. A gateway to revealing your truest self.

You have love in your life. It’s important to remember this is proof that you are lovable.

You have cultivated friendships in the past. Proof, once again, that the capacity remains within you.

You also, as we all did, lived through something traumatic for several years. Though the world may have trudged along in the wake of a worldwide lockdown and the death toll it incurred, doesn’t mean our nervous systems have moved on in lock step.

If you are not yet recovered from this, that is okay. Let it be okay. Let it take time.

Your recluse state is likely a means of protection, derived from both body and mind, to help you survive.

Thank yourself for this.

Love yourself for this.

Nurture and tend to your life in a way that reveals to your body that survival is not the primary objective anymore. Listen to its signals and respond with kindness. Lean into certainty where you can find it, and lean into trust and faith in yourself when you cannot.

You can and will, over time, show your body and soul that it is time again to reopen the doors, to remove the mask, and rejoin the world in whatever manner calls to your spirit.

But baby steps, my friend, you have all of the time in the world with which to exercise this newfound curiosity and hope.

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-June

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“I’m 26 and have no friends. And I truly mean, zero friends. I don’t mean I have a few acquaintances that I catch up with from time to time, but no close friends. No. I mean, if I died today, only a handful of people (all blood related) would attend my funeral. That sounds like a morbid thought, I know. But this time last year, almost to the day, I came scarily close to dying. I was battling multiple organ failure in a coma, recovering for months. So the funeral thought is one that has entered my mind many times over the last year. The thing is, it wasn’t always like this. In fact, I had an abundance of close friends from the age of 18 to 21. I moved to another city for university and formed friendshios that were more like sisterhoods. It was so bizarre though. The pandemic hit, and we all moved back to our home towns across the country. At first, we exchanged texts and the occasional call. But it wasn’t long before we all ceased to forget about each other’s entire existence. I think, they had friends waiting for them back home. Whereas the friends I had at home weren’t really friends; they were toxic so I distanced myself from them. And from that moment, 5 years ago, I have lived a life completely void of female friendships… The other main problem being, I have always been self-employed, working from home, so I also never had the opportunity to make ‘work friends’. I also gave up drinking entirely since leaving University as I simply didn’t like it anymore. That factor alone makes it harder to gain and maintain friendships than people realise. I live with my fiancé who I have loved for almost a decade now. He’s my best friend, and I am truly blessed. I’m incredibly close with my mum, my dad and my older sister. I am surrounded by love, and I never take that for granted. That being said, there are moments where a wave pulls me under and I suddenly feel incredibly lonely. It’s the moments where I want to do something girly; like go to a Sabrina Carpenter concert, fan-girl over the new Taylor Swift album, go to get my nails done, gossip over the new reality TV show. Once every few months when it really hits, I find myself curled up in bed, in my fiancè’s arms, sobbing over how much I want a friendship group. I made attempt to reconnect with my old friends, but it instantly slipped through the cracks; they were either uninterested or busy with other things in life. I suppose we have all changed a great deal in five years. With it being my reality for so many years, I have grown used to it. I am comfortable in my own company; in fact, I really enjoy it. And with being a shy person, being alone is often more comfortable than not. But whenever I wonder: who would be the bridesmaids at my wedding? I find myself in a puddle of tears again.”

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Dear friend,

First, I must acknowledge the hurt that rings out in your words, I am sorry you are feeling this way. Your feelings are valid, I see them. And I see you. I also see in you the gratitude and hope you maintain despite what weighs on you today. You are strong.

What you have been through in the last year is life-altering, self-altering. You have come face-to-face with your own mortality, and I can say from experience that this is something many can never truly relate to. I am so glad you are here today, sharing this earth with me.

I wrote a piece recently, maybe you have read it, where I liken this type of experience to an awakening. A shine that certain people have, where the illusions that protect us and allow us to live comfortably in the world and get along with others easily, if superficially, are stripped away as a result of living through something that makes you realize what is important in life.

Not the latest clothes.

Not looking cool for social media.

Not being caught up with celebrity gossip.

Not career promotions.

Not even money made.

(Thought all of these things have a valid space in our lives and can be fun.)

But you, I imagine, are now connected most to living a life well spent.

Experiencing emotion.

Finding moments of joy.

Exploring yourself.

Loving with a fierce tenacity.

Finding beauty in moments big and small, hedonism be damned.

You have stared at your mortality and had the meaning of life reflected back at you.

This takes power. This takes courage. This takes all of you.

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You said it yourself, you, at one time in your life, had an abundance of friendships. This tells me you are capable of connection, likable, and well worth knowing (I could’ve guessed this myself). I would count myself lucky to be among your inner circle.

You remind me of me, of the once-close friendships. The isolation of working from home. The sobriety by choice makes it ever harder to align with your peers. A longtime partner who has stood by you, but I wonder if you, too, have found this isolating at times, too?

These are all tangible proofs that you know how to choose yourself and maintain your boundaries, at least in what you will accept in relationships. Regardless, I recognize and honor the insecurities that can arise when straying from the conventional path.

You are capable of finding connections, though maybe they will not come in the ways you expect.

You have merit and a unique soul that interests and inspires others.

You have power in not settling for less than you deserve.

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I encourage you to first, perhaps, to consider befriending yourself. What do you love to do? What have you always wanted to try? Where have you always wanted to go?

Can you date yourself, become comfortable and confident (certainly not at first if we are anything alike) with doing all that you hope to do someday with others, first with yourself?

Can you walk hand in hand with yourself down new paths?

Explore new places, and it’s likely that you will find new people.

And instead of seeing all of the wasted opportunity in those new people and your own inability to connect (which is not an inability at all, it’s just a fear we all carry in the face of the unknown), can you empathize that those people too are out here with themselves trying to find their place in this wild and unpredictable experience of living.

Can you lend a small smile or a compliment to someone who is also standing out in the crowd alone and wary?

Can you lend that same kindness to yourself, then, too?

Maybe you find a place you like to go, a hobby, or an experience that becomes routine in your life. Maybe there you find new souls who are on a path that led them, too, to this place. Maybe with repetition, they become more familiar. Maybe in the shared trying, you find yourself reaching out to them more. Maybe one day you will offer to meet them outside of this safe space and get to know them better.

Maybe they are a ship in the night, or maybe they are your new friend.

We are all afraid to be judged by others. We have all been hurt by people once upon a time, and we learned to build defenses and protect ourselves from feeling hurt again.

We are all unsure at times of what makes us worthy of love and attention. We all cling to the familiarity of our comfort zones.

We are all always discovering more about who we are, what we want, and what we need.

“Life begins at the end of your comfort zone.”

-wise words from a therapist who saved my life

Though not everyone you meet will be for you, it is important to remember that you have not yet met all of the important people in your life.

This possibility is always there. You cannot lose it by spending 6 months or 6 years to yourself.

If you know your worth and lead with the authenticity that rings true in your heart, you will never be led astray. Trust that you are worth knowing.

Trust that there is someone, and likely someones, unknown out there looking for you too.

You create the opportunity to find them simply by putting yourself out in the world as you are.

The safety to do this starts first from within. Let this take time. It is the foundation for accessing and accepting all that the universe has ready for you.

The love you develop for yourself will attract those destined to love you, too.

And you don’t have 0 friends, for we are friends, and I will be here for you.

anyway, here it is…

-June

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“Here goes, my relationship has lost its luster. We live together, but we couldn't be farther away from each other. Working with my friend has ruined our friendship because she's a terrible manager.”

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Dear friend,

Losing a loved one, in whatever way, is a terrible thing to experience. I am sorry to hear you are in the midst of drifting away from a person who, it sounds like, was once central to your life.

So much so that you built your life around theirs to an extent, it seems.

I honor and hold you in this time of confusion and grief.

I can acknowledge from experience the difficulties of both living and working with someone you care about. There is, then, both at home and at work, a tenuous hierarchy between you both, I imagine. One that didn’t just spring into being but has perhaps developed as circumstances have shaped you both in unexpected ways.

When friendships begin, they mostly start on equal footing. At least to some degree, as both parties must make certain concessions and adaptations in order to fit two mismatched lives together.

It’s never seamless, of course, because we humans are flawed. We live in a flawed system. We are forced to compete for resources that could (and should) be accessible to us in abundance. We are insecure, often seeing first in others the qualities we feel we lack.

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And yet, to live is to love. We yearn for it. Like a vital nutrient, our bodies crave Love and the potent acceptance it offers.

Every relationship carries this potential. It’s why we form bonds and are drawn to people like moths to a flame. And this is why when it is good, it is great. And when it is bad, it is awful.

Because to get the love we so desperately desire, we must be vulnerable. It is the sacrifice real love demands in return for all it bestows.

It is why love hurts more than anything as it falls apart. As our ability to maintain consistent vulnerability wanes in the face of trial and conflict, so does the love it begets.

We slowly lose that acceptance and our ability to offer it back. Conditions seep in and weigh down what once was light and easy. The heft breeds resentment; the ever-growing distance allows comparison and strife to rise again like barriers between you both. The nervous system recognizes the need for caution in the face of this threat, and there you are.

Strangers to lovers.

To strangers again.

The only way back is to claw back instinct and again touch the vulnerability beneath. If not for this person’s sake, then certainly for your own. Ask yourself if this person can still be to you what they once were.

And if so, what conditions must change for you both to reignite the flame?

And if not, what conditions must change for your heart to move on and be free again?

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When you have your answer, I caution you to act not.

Pause & sit with it first.

Reflect on it.

Feel it.

Ask yourself again.

Be curious about what either choice might look like when it comes time to act.

Be compassionate for yourself and for this person. There likely was no intent to harm on either side.

Be patient with your heart as it relearns how to trust.

Be confident that you deserve to heal and love again.

Be first to yourself what this friend has not recently been for you.

In that authenticity, bravery, and vulnerability, you will have your answer and know what to do with it.

with gratitude,

-June

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“Was there really a lifetime waiting for us somewhere? Was there a world — quiet and kind — where I was yours, and you were mine, without the weight of doubt or the shadow of what we could never become?”

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Dear friend,

There were infinite lives spent together.

There were days filled with laughter and sun,

Where we danced and played hand in hand.

There were moments of tear-filled sorrow,

Where we held each other and wept in tandem.

There were infinite becomings together.

Where our souls spun the tapestry of life.

Where music and magic spilled from our love.

Where abundance could never overstay its welcome.

There were infinite loves, like ours.

Expanding the universe.

Brightening the stars.

Melding the worlds between us.

We were infinite.

Such that though we never met,

You were mine.

And, I was irrevocably yours.

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with gratitude,

-June

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“Sometimes I wish I could be on my own. Just looking after me. The constant thinking about how others will react to anything I do or say and trying so hard to be true to me, is a clash that reverberates through my soul. I do choose them over and over again because this is life, but in my dreams and my wanderings of the mind, I have a small cottage on a Scottish hill and I write, paint and teach to my hearts content. But maybe having this mind scape is enough. Because in the end, love will always win.”

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Dear friend,

Thank you for entrusting this space with your dreams and your fears. I see you, I am you.

I, too, have a mind scape that looks much like yours. A dreamy cottage, an overgrown garden, and ducks wandering both inside and out.

It’s a happy place where responsibilities amount to caring for animals and tending the vegetable patch. To cross-stitching, writing, and gazing off into the sunset at the end of each restful day.

Surely, a worthy mental escape, and perhaps a goal that the sum of your actions will someday lead you to if this is the life that truly lives in your heart. As you said, “love will always win.”

I do believe that what is meant for us will always find us. Certainly not what we think we want for ourselves, but what is right has a way of attracting us in the end.

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I wonder for you (and myself) what it would be like to tend to ourselves where we are currently planted first. Though the conditions might not be ideal, the soil rough and dry, we persist in reaching hungrily towards the sun.

Other flowers may bloom and grow around us, and we may feel too eager to prove ourselves among them, but it is not in our control how and when we bloom. It is only in the consistency to which we try, only for ourselves, to stretch into the light that we find it reaching back to pull us up in equal measure.

In my own life, and I am no expert yet at this, I have been working to pause before I speak or react to those in my company. The pause allows me to hear my automatic response, the one I think will please the original speaker, and then to hear - however fleetingly - how that response makes me feel internally.

Do I feel discord, knowing I am lying to fuel their ego?

Do I regret knowing that, in my immediate reaction, I would compromise something of myself?

Do I feel assured that my response aligns with my beliefs?

Do I feel acceptance, that though my response might be for their benefit, I know they need it, and it costs me nothing to lend them this kindness?

Do I feel like this is worth my response at all? Do I recognize a lost cause when I see one, and perhaps silence hurts me less?

It’s a moment, not always an accessible one, but I find that when I can allow for it, it helps differentiate the anxious reaction from the feelings attached to it.

Before I give away a piece of myself to be more digestible to others, can I perhaps honor that I deserve protection and peace more than they deserve my catering response?

I have struggled with this feeling for most of my life. My value has historically been tied to how acceptable I am to others. I am right if I made them laugh. I am valid if they agree with what I have to say. I am safer to hide parts of myself that I know they will not like or understand.

I write about this often.

There is nothing wrong with these parts of us that learned protection through adaptation in this, or any, manner.

Somewhere along the way, this was how you survived in the world, and how could survival be wrong?

Your mental escape tells me that you crave a space to show up for yourself. Not that your sole desire is to be alone on a hillside (lovely as this sounds), but that it is to be safe in who and how you are. Protected from the opinions of others that threaten to hurt your inner child or present-day identity.

That protection is within you. The love you have for yourself will keep you safe; it will indeed always win. It will be that cottage you find reprieve and comfort in. It will be rich and lovely and earthy and grounded. It will see storms pass and delight you with the safety of a home well cared for. One that no one can take away and no one can enter without your permission.

You build this cottage stone by stone, each time you choose yourself and realize you were okay & safe doing so.

I am rooting for you every step of the way.

with gratitude,

-June

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